yesterday was a bust. i spent the whole day trying to get started on stuff here at the office but just couldn’t get focused. i had a great lunch meeting with the team leads for this project, but my mind was completely distracted by this past weekend and recent events.
i’m not young. i’ve had a couple long relationships in the past, all of which i let drag on longer than they should have. a couple three year relationships with guys that i knew weren’t marriage material will jade a gal toward the better specimens of the males of the species. well, i’ve been dwelling on that quite a bit lately.
what am i looking for? the question has come up casually in conversation with mr. mountainbike, and lesley asked me the same thing on saturday. i honestly didn’t know how to answer her, and she’s one of my closest friends. what AM i looking for? somebody to give me attention and companionship, or am i really looking for a partner; someone to grow old with?
to be honest, the timing with mr. mountainbike couldn’t be more perfect. he popped into my life right when i needed some support. with work being rough, he’s been my own personal cheer squad. he’s listened to me rant about situations here and encouraged me to succeed. the distance between us is hard to handle, but it builds on the emotional relationship and on our communication. again, the timing there is great. with the end of this contract, i’ll be leaving s. california and staying in washington permanently. so, here we are developing this great relationship, learning tons about each other, and in a few weeks, we’ll get to see each other on a regular basis.
but the question is still there. what am i looking for? am i examining mr. mountainbike for husband material? am i investing in this relationship as if he’s ‘the guy’? or am i just infatuated with him because of the attention he showers on me? or am i just making up all these questions because i’m too scared to give up my hard earned independence?
i guess the other question that needs to be asked is what does mr. mountainbike want? i can safely say that he’s not in it for the sex. i think he’d be long gone by now if that was the case. and to be honest, he hasn’t shown himself to be a ‘player’. his interests don’t lend themselves to that sort of lifestyle. so he’s not in it for the pure physical relationship. he has opened up emotionally though. he has been very transparent in his feelings toward me, he has shared personal items with me that a casual friend would not have, and he has been straight with me when we’ve talked about life goals. he hasn’t tried to woo me with all of the ‘right’ answers, but instead, he has shown his values and goals through his actions.
i could spend all day convincing myself that he’s looking for a life with me. i could spend all day convincing myself that he’s the right partner for me. i could spend all day declaring his many wonderful attributes. in the end, the question still has to be asked though. and it’s a hard question to bring up. and it has me scared on a couple levels. one; my independence. honestly, i love being single. two; my friend. if this is too soon to be asking this sort of question, will it scare him off and leave me without the wonderful friend that he has become? and three; i’m chicken. i don’t want to dive into a relationship with the intent of determining whether we’re good enough together to get married, and then end up 3 years later splitting up. it’s happened that way too many times already.
maybe i should just mentally shelve this topic and actually talk with mr. mountainbike about this when we see each other this thanksgiving. whew…it sure did feel good to put that all down though. maybe now i can get some work done. haha…