freud wants me to keep this journal.  he says that keeping track of my emotional progress will help me process current feelings and give me a benchmark to reference back to.  yeah…that’s all well and good, but i’m raw right now and don’t want to pen any of this for fear of experiencing it again.  but here goes.

he’s gone.  at the point where my hapiness was finally on a skyward arc, he was taken from me.  and now i am fucking alone.  literally.  ha…seems i always turn to humour when i’m hurting the most.  so, what do i put down?  how i’m feeling?  like shit.  i can’t get through a day without seeing something that reminds me of him and just how empty things are with him not here now.

my greatest supporter.  the one to always talk me down off the ledge when i was spinning out of control.  i was his kite, he was my anchor.  no, that isn’t right…because together we soared.  but he kept me  balanced me.

what i’m REALLY feeling right now is hate.  i am so angry and hateful at the world that took him from me.  i hate the bike.  i hate the mountain.  i hate people who want to keep me from grieving.  i hate god.  damnit i hate it all.  i want some god damn justice.  why did HE have to be taken from ME?  he was the strong one.  not me.  how am i supposed to keep going without him? 

fuck.